and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
