I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
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