If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
