Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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