I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
