A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
