My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
