You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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