2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
