if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
