I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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