I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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