I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
