none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
