I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It was like getting head from an anaconda
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
