just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
