Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
