Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
