i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
A+ Viking dick
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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