Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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