Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
