He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
