I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
