from now on my penis is your penis
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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