I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
