my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
