and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
