I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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