We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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