I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
