I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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