I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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