so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
