Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
