Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
