Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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