Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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