Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
