I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
