Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
