i need an iv and a liver transplant
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
