I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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