I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
