Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
