I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
