i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
