i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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