My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
