I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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