We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.