I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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