Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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