So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
