I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
