god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
