So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
