he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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