I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
