dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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